A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
