Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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