Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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