Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
