Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
