Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
