Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
