Swine flu. Run for my life!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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