Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
