I hate all girls vehemently.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Let's get the cat blown out
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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