Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
