Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Couch. On fire.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
