me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
