Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it's great music for shaving your balls
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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