question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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