respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
