Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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