I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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