i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
