i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
