I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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