My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
