I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize