I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
