I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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