just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
