I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
