false alarm. still invincible.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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