Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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