Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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