We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
