my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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