i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
