dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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