Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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