I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
