does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
And then my night got REAL pukey
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize