You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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