his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
