Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
