She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
