and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
