when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
