Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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