I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
