Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
