i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
