I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
