You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
