You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize