this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
