in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i think my cat just said my name.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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