and she was petting her beer can
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
