What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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