You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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